A time to Mourn

'Tis confirmed.' :( (regarding my post below).

I'm in mourning. Mourning because I'll never see him again, because he was so young, because all his dreams and hopes have disappeared, because he was in such pain, because he left his three sisters and mother behind to fend for themselves, because I keep trying to imagine how it was like when he fell (how he felt, how painful and scary it was, how his friends felt when they saw him fall, the horror that seized them, etc).

Alot of people have been emphasizing to me that it's stupid to mope like this. Of course I know being upset and demotivated isn't going to give JJ his life back. But I can't go through being totally normal and cheerful when he constantly goes through my mind. And I can't bring myself to fake a jolly smile when I talk about this, knowing that his family's hearts are shattered, and they are left confused and even more lost. I'm not mourning because I feel I should obtain sympathy, I'm mourning because that's what people do when their friends die. Even Jesus wept! (John 11:35). No one understands, but when I read His Words, I felt comforted.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 - a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I've been told to dance even through this sad time (which I totally understand the point), but God says I can mourn. And now's the time to mourn, not to dance. So for now, I'll mourn for his family. And when the mourning time is over, I will dance.

Life is so fragile

Just heard that a friend of mine might have fallen off a cliff in Sydney. :( They're still not sure if it's him so his mom is flying over to Sydney to identify his body.

 (Retrieved from http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/sydney-nsw/body-found-at-base-of-cliff-in-coogee/story-fn7y9brv-1226338147155)

He's only 2 months older than I am! :(

I feel so numb right now, not having the desire to do anything at all. Life is so so precious. I realized that no matter how many deaths I come across, I'll still say this: life is so so precious, and so so fragile. God can decide to take away your life just like that. He decides it all.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 There is an appointed time for everything. And these is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I was reading this verse today (before I heard of this sad news) because I felt abit down just now. Devotion brought me here. How timely is this verse! For a disheartening event that occured just now and now. God truly knew what I needed to hear.

Through this waiting process of his body being identified, I felt the need to pray. And alot of people around me are praying that the body does not belong to him, that he's still out there somewhere, missing but safe. But I realized, what's the point of praying that the body is not his, when God's already done what's done? We can't pray fro God to undo events, but we can pray for the family.

He (my friend) recently lost his dad just about a year ago too. So his family is in great grieve now. I'm grieving too, I'm sure alot of other people are grieving too. But above everything that happens, God's watching and is in control. He knows what He's doing. He appointed the time for us to be alive and die!

You are magnificent, eternally, wonderful, glorious.
Jesus, no one ever will compare, to You, Jesus. (Magnificent by Hillsongs)

Let His name be glorified, because the reason why we are even created was to please Him. <3

Forgiveness

It's never an easy thing when someone you trusted so much broke your heart.

It's been 13 years since my parents divorced. And even after 13 years, I still find myself having so much anger for my dad (don't get me wrong, I still love him, sorta). And I don't know why. I don't know why the littlest things that he does would piss me off, the words he say, the way he judges situations. You'd think that after 20 years of knowing my dad, I would get immune to his ways and stop getting angry at everything. I thought so too.

And throughout last year I lied to myself about how I've finally forgiven him and can accept him the way he is, and that I won't get angry at him anymore. And through occasional emails with my dad, I would try to show him that I love him.

Needless to say, all that love vanished when I went back to KK for the holidays. Suddenly, my perception changed and I realized that all the 'love' that I pretended to have for my dad was fake, because anyone can fake their words on social networking. All the anger inside me welled up again, perhaps even more! I don't recall dreading to see my dad as much as I did during the holidays. :(

I can't pray for him. I've to pray for myself before I can pray for him. I use to always pray for him, now I understand that the fault isn't 100% on him. It's on me. Sure the little things that he do pisses me off and he can always try and avoid those little things, but I'm the one not able to manage my anger. Today in Social and Emotional Development class, my lecturer said that emotions are okay, but it's what you do with the emotions that matters.

Colossians 3:15 - Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.

Everytime I feel angry towards my dad, I'll just shut up, let the world pass me by and become the party pooper. I guess I've still alot to learn about forgiveness.

Jesus forgave me so I'll try really hard to forgive my dad too! Forgiveness is always a learning journey to take.

Beautiful

This Easter, I was given the opportunity to dance to a beautiful song, 'Beautiful'.



For years I've been living in secrets of self-esteem issues. I've never shared this with anyone because I didn't want to be judged. But sometimes I would cry because I wasn't happy with who I was, and I wanted to be beautiful. To be the beautiful the way the world sees the word 'beautiful'.

(Photo retrieved from http://fatherstephen.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/hiding-from-god-and-gods-hiddenness/)

And even after believing in God and know that He loves me for who I am, I would still get frustrated at myself, at how 'defected' I thought I was. I would always pray at night, wishing and hoping that He would miraculously change me because I wanted to get out of my skin so badly. And I would always, always, always look at someone else and think 'I wish I was normal like them', or 'I wish I could be comfortable in my skin like them'.

(Photo retrieved from http://www.livingwithanxiety.net/?p=998)

And so this song means so much to me. Because I wanted to be beautiful, to be accepted, to be seen as normal. Because to the world, I'm not beautiful, I'm not accepted, I'm not normal.

And today after dance practice, I came across someone saying 'God doesn't make mistakes'. And you know, I've always knew that God doesn't make mistakes, but it never dawn on me that He didn't make a mistake when He created me, that He wanted me to become exactly who I am today, that He says that I'm perfect (apart from all the sin that I do).

God sees me as perfect!!! And you know, the world's always and forever gonna tell me that I'm flawed, that I look horrible, abnormal and all. But you know what? God says I'm perfect, so who are you to tell me that I'm flawed? In your face!!!!

This post related so much to my assignment on children with special needs.

On a side note (not actually side, actually),

Who are we to judge people by calling them retarded, ugly, physically disabled etc? God created them perfect.

Just cz they don't look like the majority of this world, doens't mean they're not perfect. If God made 90% of us with Cerebral Palsy (an impairment that makes your muscle stiff and so you don't move as naturally as others), and the other 10% without Cerebral Palsy, the whole world would think that having Cerebral Palsy is 'normal' and label the 10% without Cerebral Palsy as weird.

(Photo retrieved from http://trialx.com/curetalk/2011/12/cerebral-palsy-life-expectancy-treatments-clinical-trials/)

Today, I learnt that God is happy with the way I look, and He probably gets frustrated at me when I ask Him to change me because He sees me as perfect when I see myself as totally retarded.

I learnt that God loves me for who I am, He already had an idea of how I would look like before I was born. I'm perfect, because God's plan for how I would look like is perfect.

I'm still struggling with the whole self-esteem thing, sometimes wanting to hide in a hole and never come out because of criticisms that I face. I'm still learning to accept who I am, that I'm perfect because God made me so. I'm gonna take a long while to fully comprehend how perfect God made me and how perfect God loves me for who I am, but at least I'm getting there.

Tonight, my prayer isn't going to be: God, please change me.
It's going to be: God, thanks for creating me perfect.

I know I'm not the only one out there feeling disgusted with myself. I actually reckon that every girl goes through this at least once in her lifetime, so just to let you know in case you haven't already figured it out: God created you perfect. Just cz the world tells you you're retarded, doesn't mean they're right. Hey, God never said that a Cerebral Palsy person look ugly!

Love yourself!

(Photo retrieved from http://weheartit.com/entry/5616269)

Poor People Need Food!

So today....

I missed dance practice (Easter 2012) for this:

We (along with a bunch of other christians from different churches of which I actually just met) prepared huge amount of food in our leader's church (someone whom I've just met too!). We then drove all the way to city (Northbridge area) to give them out to the supposingly poor people.

Even though this is a monthly event that happens in the same place and at the same time each month, lots of people didn't know we were there to give out free food. One of us just went around yelling 'who would like some food?!'

We had rice, curry, salas, coleslaw, potatoes, bread, nachos, cordial drinks and brought watermelons. Took an hour for 21 people to prepare 100 people's average food intake. Another 20 minutes to clean the kitchen and another 15 minutes to drive all the way up, cz we prepared food at Mt. Pleasant. Brought disposable plates, containers (for them to tapao), cutleries and cups, gloves to serve and lotsa of plastic bags to pick up rubbish with (we needed to clean the park where we served too cz otherwise the council would complain that we leave a mess, then forbid us from using the space.

(Photo retrieved from http://www.elllo.org/english/Mixer076/T099-Cooking.htm)

It was great helping out, seeing their faces when you serve them, and them saying 'God bless you' with sincerely grateful smiles. It was great, seeing them eat happily and coming back for second rounds, then coming back to tapao for their family, then going home to tell their family that 'there's free food in the park today!!'. It was sooo great seeing the sick, making their way across the park in slow steps (cz it's a struggle for them to walk) just cz they finally found food and they've been hungry for a while.

Guys, there are so many people out there that has no food to eat, no pillow to rest their head on, no car to get transport from, no clothes to wear. Some of them even need medical attention but they can't afford it! Please, lets do something about it. Don't just think 'Oh yea, poor people, wish I could help but I don't know how to'. We can start with their most important need: food. Just bake potatoes with salt & pepper, and go to the streets and yell 'free food'. I'm sure lots of desperately hungry people would come.

(Photo retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1031955/When-learnt-potatoes-contain-nutrients-humans-need-Tom-Sykes-set-survive-week-eating-else.html)

'If you see a problem, fix it. Don't just complain about it, hoping it would go away' (Tham, 2009).

However people, we need to be sensible. I used potatoes as an example because it's cheap, easy to cook, keeps one full and contains heaps amount of vitamins and nutrients people need. Bear in mind that these poor people are always hungry and are most probably malnutritioned, so if you do give food to people (may God bless you), give pratical stuff. Veg, a little bit of meat (honestly you don't need to eat lots of meat to survived, potatoes are enough!), something with a lil bit of sugar, water, fruits. You'll leave the poor people healthier and happier!

(Photo retrieved from http://aprints.org/AP%20Documents/Happy%20poor%20child.jpg)

Hebrew 13:16 - "Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God."

Made wonderfully complex and marvelous!

So this semester, most of my units seem to focus on children with special needs (SN). (I know everyone uses the term 'disabled children, but I'm against labeling them as 'disabled children', and have even written a whole paragraph in my assignment to justify my beliefs. So bear with me!)

(Photo retrieved from http://www.newbornbabyzone.com/health-safety/downs-syndrome-identifying-it-and-living-with-it/)

It seriously amazes me that there can be so many things that go wrong with the human body, during or after conception. To name a few:
1. Cognitive Impairment ( I know of 5 types)
2. Physical Impairment (I know of 8 types)
4. Vision Impairment (I know of 4 types)
4. Hearing Impairment (I know of 7 types)
5. Speech and Language Impairment (I know of 6 types)
6. Olfactory and Gustatory Impairment ( I know of 10 types)

7. Somatosensory Impairment

And gosh, I only mentioned types, not subtypes. For example, did you know that Autism Spectrum Disorder is listed as a type of Cognitive Impairment, and can be further classified into 7 subtypes? If you add all the subtypes and ones that I don't even know of, there would be hundreds! And these are only impairments, relating to physiotherapist, speech therapist etc. I haven't touched on medical-related conditions that can go wrong with the human body. (Sorry, nerd-talk here).

I had to do research on how these impairments affect children with SN and it's horrible. From being bullied, discriminated and harassed by society, to expensive fees to the therapist, to extra attention on the children etc. It's such a lifelong pain.

(Photo retrieved from http://www.vasaprava.org/?p=1001&lang=en)

Every single little thing that goes on in our body, from our blood cells to our brain to our nerves to our organs etc, anything can go wrong. Anything at all.

And if it does, then BAM you'll be listed as 'disabled' and 'weird' and 'outcast' and 'burdensome'.

And then BAM most of your parents money will go to spending on your treatments and visits to therapist.

And then BAM you'll need a carer to look after you 24/7, to help you eat, make sure you don't burn yourself while you're cooking, make sure you don't cross the road when its busy.

I can only thank God that he knitted me perfectly, He didn't want me to have impairments. He knew I couldn't handle it. (But of course, we shouldn't discriminate those with SN just cz we don't have impairments!).

Psalm 139:13-16 - You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

The human body is so wonderfully complex and marvelous! I'm wonderfully complex and marvelous. You're wonderfully complex and marvelous too! :)

(Photo retrieved from http://www.thedancecollective.com.au/dancestyles)

The Vision of the Women in Gold

Last night, I was talking with a friend on how God speaks. And I wondered why things between God and I have gotten so quiet. Was it because I was so busy and I got caught up with life here in Perth that I always felt tired and impatient when I prayed? Or did God wanted me to wait in silence to test me? Or did I do something wrong? Or is God actually speaking to me the whole time but I've just been blinded?

Honestly, it has been sooo long and I feel tired. But before I slept that night I told myself to pray again. To pray longer than the usual (even if the usual was a super quick prayer). Honestly, it wasn't just about praying for a minute longer than usual or something, but it was more for resisting the urge to sleep earlier because I really wanted to talk to God because I felt He deserve more than what I can offer Him - my time.

And while I was praying for a specific person, someone whom I really love (best not to mention who?) I saw a vision. A women, with her arms spread out wide, she was flying. Everything about her was gold. Her skin was the colour of gold, her hair was the colour of gold, her dress was the colour of gold. But there was something black, that was rotting inside her, at her chest. I could see it, as she flew, it was rotting, and the irregular black shape grew bigger and bigger at her chest.

I was so scared I opened my eyes, but the image still lingered for a few seconds before it disappeared.

I'm not sure what the vision meant. Something horrible though, no doubt. Wonder who the women was. Still praying, for God to reveal to me what the vision meant, and for His protection and grace to be over my loved ones and I. :(

I'm so scared. Scared because God is so powerful that He can do anything He wants to. And now I can only kneel in repentance for all the mistakes we've done, praying that He'll give us the millionth chance we dont deserve.

God, I'm so sorry for we're so flawed! :'(