Row row row ya boat.....: Beautiful

This Easter, I was given the opportunity to dance to a beautiful song, 'Beautiful'.

For years I've been living in secrets of self-esteem issues. I've never shared this with anyone because I didn't want to be judged. But sometimes I would cry because I wasn't happy with who I was, and I wanted to be beautiful. To be the beautiful the way the world sees the word 'beautiful'.

(Photo retrieved from http://fatherstephen.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/hiding-from-god-and-gods-hiddenness/)

And even after believing in God and know that He loves me for who I am, I would still get frustrated at myself, at how 'defected' I thought I was. I would always pray at night, wishing and hoping that He would miraculously change me because I wanted to get out of my skin so badly. And I would always, always, always look at someone else and think 'I wish I was normal like them', or 'I wish I could be comfortable in my skin like them'.

(Photo retrieved from http://www.livingwithanxiety.net/?p=998)

And so this song means so much to me. Because I wanted to be beautiful, to be accepted, to be seen as normal. Because to the world, I'm not beautiful, I'm not accepted, I'm not normal.

And today after dance practice, I came across someone saying 'God doesn't make mistakes'. And you know, I've always knew that God doesn't make mistakes, but it never dawn on me that He didn't make a mistake when He created me, that He wanted me to become exactly who I am today, that He says that I'm perfect (apart from all the sin that I do).

God sees me as perfect!!! And you know, the world's always and forever gonna tell me that I'm flawed, that I look horrible, abnormal and all. But you know what? God says I'm perfect, so who are you to tell me that I'm flawed? In your face!!!!

This post related so much to my assignment on children with special needs.

On a side note (not actually side, actually),

Who are we to judge people by calling them retarded, ugly, physically disabled etc? God created them perfect.

Just cz they don't look like the majority of this world, doens't mean they're not perfect. If God made 90% of us with Cerebral Palsy (an impairment that makes your muscle stiff and so you don't move as naturally as others), and the other 10% without Cerebral Palsy, the whole world would think that having Cerebral Palsy is 'normal' and label the 10% without Cerebral Palsy as weird.

(Photo retrieved from http://trialx.com/curetalk/2011/12/cerebral-palsy-life-expectancy-treatments-clinical-trials/)

Today, I learnt that God is happy with the way I look, and He probably gets frustrated at me when I ask Him to change me because He sees me as perfect when I see myself as totally retarded.

I learnt that God loves me for who I am, He already had an idea of how I would look like before I was born. I'm perfect, because God's plan for how I would look like is perfect.

I'm still struggling with the whole self-esteem thing, sometimes wanting to hide in a hole and never come out because of criticisms that I face. I'm still learning to accept who I am, that I'm perfect because God made me so. I'm gonna take a long while to fully comprehend how perfect God made me and how perfect God loves me for who I am, but at least I'm getting there.

Tonight, my prayer isn't going to be: God, please change me.
It's going to be: God, thanks for creating me perfect.

I know I'm not the only one out there feeling disgusted with myself. I actually reckon that every girl goes through this at least once in her lifetime, so just to let you know in case you haven't already figured it out: God created you perfect. Just cz the world tells you you're retarded, doesn't mean they're right. Hey, God never said that a Cerebral Palsy person look ugly!

Love yourself!