We can't solve our problems alone.

When I found out my friend died, I thought it was a horrible accident that wasn't meant to happen. There were so many people questioning though, they said he killed himself because of great distress. I didn't believe them. I couldn't. I believed that God wanted him to be with Him, that it was just his time to go home.

And I didn't understand why God allowed him to leave when his family is so broken and needing his support so badly. But I tell myself to have faith in God and trust that God knows best, and just prayed for his family.

And then I finally had this talk with my mom. It was brief, because I couldn't talk about it much. I didn't know what to say. I found out that his death wasn't an accident. It was all planned. He planned it. There were evidences leading to what seemed to be a suicidal event.

I couldn't believe it. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe because I see his smile all the time and think "Wow, he must be really happy." His smile is so huge, anyone would've believe he's happy. I didn't know he was hurting. Maybe he wasn't hurting when I saw him last time. I hope that when he smiled, it was because he was genuinely happy, not because he used it to cover up his feelings. I hope for this, for the sake of all of us who considered him as a friend or family, yet failed to see his pain and help be a shoulder to him. Honestly, I don't know if he spoke aloud to anyone about what he was facing. Alot of us had some clue on his hurt, it was publicized. And we sympathized with him and carried on with our lives. That was our mistake. I wonder if he had best friends to lean on.

Alot of times, we think our situation is so big, that it's greater than our God. That's wrong. Nothing is greater than our God. Even in the worst, most unimaginable situations, God's still greater. My friend failed to realized that. He thought death was the better option. And so he took it into his own hands. He took his problems into his own hands. That's wrong. Only God can solve our problems. We can't solve our problems without God.
This must be the first Christmas we'll have without him in a long time. That'll be hard, especially for his sisters and mom.

I'll try to be a shoulder to lean on, to the people around me. I know he took his life because he couldn't see any way out and didn't want to deal with the pain. I don't want that to happen to any other friends I have. Because God always gives hope and strength. Not alot of people know that, but I pray that my friends will know.

RIP, you're missed.

God takes care of me! :)

Sooooo last week I was in Singapore with mom and sis. On Sunday, our supposing only day that was appointments-free and stress-free was rudely interrupted by my intestine (according to the doctor). During dinner with a stranger whom I recently met through mom, I was admitted to the emergency ward in the hospital for severe sharp pain in the stomach (the pain traveled, from one side of my stomach to another, lol!). I couldn't stop crying, couldn't breathe properly, had to get my mom to hold me while I walk so I won't collapse etc. Turns out, the doctor said I must have consumed something I shouldn't have (odd enough, my mom and sis ate everything I did). It's kinda like food poisoning, but with very different symptoms.

Even weirder, was about 5 minutes after lying on the hospital bed, the pain became so much more less.

Facts I'm so annoyed about:
1. I freaked everyone out, my family, the stranger-now-friend (lets call her Christine), taxi-drivers, mall staff and random people.
2. I only met Christine, and troubled her to get a taxi for the hospital and medicine for me, and pay for my meal, and caused her to be yelled at by some inconsiderate person when she was trying to help me get to the hospital asap.
3. My mom, sis and Christine hardly ate , because my intestine decided to cut dinner short and demanded for attention.
4. The four of us actually bought tickets for a broadway show ($55-85 per person), which we didn't get to watch cz everyone went to the hospital.
5. I scared my close family friends who were in Singapore with us as well. They even took the trouble to visit me, in the short few hours I was in the hospital.
6. Close family friends paid for my hospital bill and medication because they wanted to ($350?).


Think about it. Because of me, none of us got the see the broadway show. I also scared and troubled soooo many people. To top it off, $570-$690 is gone. That is excluding the dinner that was paid for but ignored and painkillers they got for me while on the way to the hospital. $570-$690 isn't even converted to RM yet.

I was so upset with myself for not being strong enough to withstand the pain. I kept thinking (although I knew it was impossible), if I had the strength to hang it there and deal with the pain well, everything would've been fine. We would have had a great time having dinner and watching the broadway show, and save the cash for something else.

I also kept thinking, if this had happened in Perth, I probably won't have enough $ to pay for the bills and everything. I've always been striving for financially independence. Truth be told, it's hard. I live like a poor cat, making enough $ to survive for the month. Mom insist on giving me money but I try very hard not to use it, cz that's not financial independence.

Then during devotion, I came across this verse:
Hebrews 13:5 'Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." '

Oh my, if God said he would never leave me nor forsake me, why do I have to worry about money? I've been such a fool, failing to see that God only placed me in this position, knowing that I couldn't handle this on my own in Perth, but in Singapore, the finances area were handled by others (like mom, Christine and family friends).

Facts I'm sooo thankful for:
1. I'm okay now. No more pain :) I was so scared, I thought I was either going to pass out or lose my mind or something.
2. God knew that this trip was a hard one for our family. He got family friends to come with us to provide comfort and security. They even insisted to pay for alot of appointments and my hospital bill. Such a blessing.
3. All of the appointments went terrific. Going to each appointment was physically and emotionally wearing me down (if not my family). What lifted our spirits up was the miracle God performed at every appointment (that's another story :) ).
4. God's timing is so perfect, he gave us all these issues and appointments specifically when my mom, sis and I are together as a family. Family really provides alot of comfort.
5. I know can depend on family and family friends when emergency hits so suddenly. :))

Fact I look forward to:
1. More miracles and prayers answered! I have faith, nobody else seem to have faith but I know God will deliver me. And when he does, I will fly like a bird and glorify His name.