Forgiveness

It's never an easy thing when someone you trusted so much broke your heart.

It's been 13 years since my parents divorced. And even after 13 years, I still find myself having so much anger for my dad (don't get me wrong, I still love him, sorta). And I don't know why. I don't know why the littlest things that he does would piss me off, the words he say, the way he judges situations. You'd think that after 20 years of knowing my dad, I would get immune to his ways and stop getting angry at everything. I thought so too.

And throughout last year I lied to myself about how I've finally forgiven him and can accept him the way he is, and that I won't get angry at him anymore. And through occasional emails with my dad, I would try to show him that I love him.

Needless to say, all that love vanished when I went back to KK for the holidays. Suddenly, my perception changed and I realized that all the 'love' that I pretended to have for my dad was fake, because anyone can fake their words on social networking. All the anger inside me welled up again, perhaps even more! I don't recall dreading to see my dad as much as I did during the holidays. :(

I can't pray for him. I've to pray for myself before I can pray for him. I use to always pray for him, now I understand that the fault isn't 100% on him. It's on me. Sure the little things that he do pisses me off and he can always try and avoid those little things, but I'm the one not able to manage my anger. Today in Social and Emotional Development class, my lecturer said that emotions are okay, but it's what you do with the emotions that matters.

Colossians 3:15 - Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.

Everytime I feel angry towards my dad, I'll just shut up, let the world pass me by and become the party pooper. I guess I've still alot to learn about forgiveness.

Jesus forgave me so I'll try really hard to forgive my dad too! Forgiveness is always a learning journey to take.