A time to Mourn

'Tis confirmed.' :( (regarding my post below).

I'm in mourning. Mourning because I'll never see him again, because he was so young, because all his dreams and hopes have disappeared, because he was in such pain, because he left his three sisters and mother behind to fend for themselves, because I keep trying to imagine how it was like when he fell (how he felt, how painful and scary it was, how his friends felt when they saw him fall, the horror that seized them, etc).

Alot of people have been emphasizing to me that it's stupid to mope like this. Of course I know being upset and demotivated isn't going to give JJ his life back. But I can't go through being totally normal and cheerful when he constantly goes through my mind. And I can't bring myself to fake a jolly smile when I talk about this, knowing that his family's hearts are shattered, and they are left confused and even more lost. I'm not mourning because I feel I should obtain sympathy, I'm mourning because that's what people do when their friends die. Even Jesus wept! (John 11:35). No one understands, but when I read His Words, I felt comforted.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 - a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I've been told to dance even through this sad time (which I totally understand the point), but God says I can mourn. And now's the time to mourn, not to dance. So for now, I'll mourn for his family. And when the mourning time is over, I will dance.

Life is so fragile

Just heard that a friend of mine might have fallen off a cliff in Sydney. :( They're still not sure if it's him so his mom is flying over to Sydney to identify his body.

 (Retrieved from http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/sydney-nsw/body-found-at-base-of-cliff-in-coogee/story-fn7y9brv-1226338147155)

He's only 2 months older than I am! :(

I feel so numb right now, not having the desire to do anything at all. Life is so so precious. I realized that no matter how many deaths I come across, I'll still say this: life is so so precious, and so so fragile. God can decide to take away your life just like that. He decides it all.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 There is an appointed time for everything. And these is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I was reading this verse today (before I heard of this sad news) because I felt abit down just now. Devotion brought me here. How timely is this verse! For a disheartening event that occured just now and now. God truly knew what I needed to hear.

Through this waiting process of his body being identified, I felt the need to pray. And alot of people around me are praying that the body does not belong to him, that he's still out there somewhere, missing but safe. But I realized, what's the point of praying that the body is not his, when God's already done what's done? We can't pray fro God to undo events, but we can pray for the family.

He (my friend) recently lost his dad just about a year ago too. So his family is in great grieve now. I'm grieving too, I'm sure alot of other people are grieving too. But above everything that happens, God's watching and is in control. He knows what He's doing. He appointed the time for us to be alive and die!

You are magnificent, eternally, wonderful, glorious.
Jesus, no one ever will compare, to You, Jesus. (Magnificent by Hillsongs)

Let His name be glorified, because the reason why we are even created was to please Him. <3

Forgiveness

It's never an easy thing when someone you trusted so much broke your heart.

It's been 13 years since my parents divorced. And even after 13 years, I still find myself having so much anger for my dad (don't get me wrong, I still love him, sorta). And I don't know why. I don't know why the littlest things that he does would piss me off, the words he say, the way he judges situations. You'd think that after 20 years of knowing my dad, I would get immune to his ways and stop getting angry at everything. I thought so too.

And throughout last year I lied to myself about how I've finally forgiven him and can accept him the way he is, and that I won't get angry at him anymore. And through occasional emails with my dad, I would try to show him that I love him.

Needless to say, all that love vanished when I went back to KK for the holidays. Suddenly, my perception changed and I realized that all the 'love' that I pretended to have for my dad was fake, because anyone can fake their words on social networking. All the anger inside me welled up again, perhaps even more! I don't recall dreading to see my dad as much as I did during the holidays. :(

I can't pray for him. I've to pray for myself before I can pray for him. I use to always pray for him, now I understand that the fault isn't 100% on him. It's on me. Sure the little things that he do pisses me off and he can always try and avoid those little things, but I'm the one not able to manage my anger. Today in Social and Emotional Development class, my lecturer said that emotions are okay, but it's what you do with the emotions that matters.

Colossians 3:15 - Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.

Everytime I feel angry towards my dad, I'll just shut up, let the world pass me by and become the party pooper. I guess I've still alot to learn about forgiveness.

Jesus forgave me so I'll try really hard to forgive my dad too! Forgiveness is always a learning journey to take.