So in case you live under a rock and didn't know, the southern parts of the Philippines (Sulu) have been going on and on about how Sabah (the state where I'm from) actually belong to them, not to Malaysia. According to my fantastic research skills of extracting information from here and there and everywhere, this is the history:
A long long time ago, Sabah use to belong to Brunei, along with Manila. Then when Spain took over Manila, Brunei made a deal with Sulu. The deal was that Sulu helps Brunei to take back what was rightfully theirs (Manila), and Brunei will give Sabah to Sulu as a thanks offering. Sulu never did assisted Brunei in the end, but acknowledged that they own Sabah. So at that time, Sabah was caught in between Brunei and Sulu. Then the British came and took over Sabah, then Japan took over Sabah and chased the British away. The British came back, defeated the Japanese and made Sabah, Sarawak, Peninsular Malaysia and Singapore into a nation: Malaysia. Shortly after, Singapore was segregated from Malaysia due to political disagreements. Since 1963 when Sabah became a part of Malaysia, Sulu has been claiming their rights on Sabah.
Recently though (like last week), the Sulu people have taken more drastic measures to claim Sabah as theirs, though shootouts, ambush and hostages in Lahad Datu (a town in Sabah). In a week, they spread to 2 other towns. Blood have been shed, heroes brutally murdered, hostages on both ends, fear in the people's hearts etc.
Although the policemen in Sabah are trying all they can to defend our state, it's getting incredibly tough and scary. Thing is, no one know for sure where the Sulu people are, because they look like one of us, like a Malaysian. Some even have Malaysian IDs. Crap, they could be in every town in Sabah, just waiting for the right moment for another ambush.
All I can think about right now is to ask my family to run. Run away. Go somewhere else until this whole issue is resolved. Because what if the Sulu people are already in Kota Kinabalu (my hometown) and are planning on an ambush? Then my mom asked me "How long can the people run away for? You can go to another country to visit, but for how long? This matter would probably drag on for another hundred years. There really isn't a way to solve this. We can't run away."
My mom's right. There really isn't a way out. We can't run away. We can only pray and believe. He's got the whole world in His hands, so I'm sure He has a plan. One that is to prosper and not to harm us.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Eve and the Fruit of Knowledge, and travelling
I feel as though being in England has really put me out in the battle fields. I'm being tested. I know I am. God knows how I'm trying so hard to stand tall and how it hurts.
Some nights when I actually have time to think, I'll hold on to what I've been taught to as a child. But some nights I'll be questioning myself if I'm just making up unnecessary rules for myself. I really don't know. When I think I've made up my mind, I'll come home the next night thinking otherwise.
I feel like Eve and the Fruit of Knowledge.
Oh Lord, I don't wanna sin against you. Guard my heart please. Because I still don't know what is the right thing to do.
On another note, take a look at one of the crescents at Bath!
Here's St Peter's church in St Albans. SO PRETTY RIGHT.
My friends and I are headed to Bath (again, worth going to again though) and Stonehenge this weekend. And maybe Cambridge next week. And maybe Wales the week after. And maybe to Amsterdam or Paris the week after that. I love it here. It's like going on a 1-3 day(s) trip every weekend. :D It's burning a hole in my purse as well though! But thank God I found a job in the Nursery at Uni. :)) That should help with my travelling expenses. I can only start work in a month's time though. D:
I really super duper thank God (and mom and family friend who helped me heaps) that I'm able to come to England to do my student exchange. My uni initially told last minute that I couldn't even come! But hey, when God wants to bless someone, He makes sure it will happen :)))))))
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
We can't solve our problems alone.
When I found out my friend died, I thought it was a horrible accident that wasn't meant to happen. There were so many people questioning though, they said he killed himself because of great distress. I didn't believe them. I couldn't. I believed that God wanted him to be with Him, that it was just his time to go home.
And I didn't understand why God allowed him to leave when his family is so broken and needing his support so badly. But I tell myself to have faith in God and trust that God knows best, and just prayed for his family.
And then I finally had this talk with my mom. It was brief, because I couldn't talk about it much. I didn't know what to say. I found out that his death wasn't an accident. It was all planned. He planned it. There were evidences leading to what seemed to be a suicidal event.
I couldn't believe it. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe because I see his smile all the time and think "Wow, he must be really happy." His smile is so huge, anyone would've believe he's happy. I didn't know he was hurting. Maybe he wasn't hurting when I saw him last time. I hope that when he smiled, it was because he was genuinely happy, not because he used it to cover up his feelings. I hope for this, for the sake of all of us who considered him as a friend or family, yet failed to see his pain and help be a shoulder to him. Honestly, I don't know if he spoke aloud to anyone about what he was facing. Alot of us had some clue on his hurt, it was publicized. And we sympathized with him and carried on with our lives. That was our mistake. I wonder if he had best friends to lean on.
Alot of times, we think our situation is so big, that it's greater than our God. That's wrong. Nothing is greater than our God. Even in the worst, most unimaginable situations, God's still greater. My friend failed to realized that. He thought death was the better option. And so he took it into his own hands. He took his problems into his own hands. That's wrong. Only God can solve our problems. We can't solve our problems without God.
This must be the first Christmas we'll have without him in a long time. That'll be hard, especially for his sisters and mom.
I'll try to be a shoulder to lean on, to the people around me. I know he took his life because he couldn't see any way out and didn't want to deal with the pain. I don't want that to happen to any other friends I have. Because God always gives hope and strength. Not alot of people know that, but I pray that my friends will know.
RIP, you're missed.
And I didn't understand why God allowed him to leave when his family is so broken and needing his support so badly. But I tell myself to have faith in God and trust that God knows best, and just prayed for his family.
And then I finally had this talk with my mom. It was brief, because I couldn't talk about it much. I didn't know what to say. I found out that his death wasn't an accident. It was all planned. He planned it. There were evidences leading to what seemed to be a suicidal event.
I couldn't believe it. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe because I see his smile all the time and think "Wow, he must be really happy." His smile is so huge, anyone would've believe he's happy. I didn't know he was hurting. Maybe he wasn't hurting when I saw him last time. I hope that when he smiled, it was because he was genuinely happy, not because he used it to cover up his feelings. I hope for this, for the sake of all of us who considered him as a friend or family, yet failed to see his pain and help be a shoulder to him. Honestly, I don't know if he spoke aloud to anyone about what he was facing. Alot of us had some clue on his hurt, it was publicized. And we sympathized with him and carried on with our lives. That was our mistake. I wonder if he had best friends to lean on.
Alot of times, we think our situation is so big, that it's greater than our God. That's wrong. Nothing is greater than our God. Even in the worst, most unimaginable situations, God's still greater. My friend failed to realized that. He thought death was the better option. And so he took it into his own hands. He took his problems into his own hands. That's wrong. Only God can solve our problems. We can't solve our problems without God.
This must be the first Christmas we'll have without him in a long time. That'll be hard, especially for his sisters and mom.
I'll try to be a shoulder to lean on, to the people around me. I know he took his life because he couldn't see any way out and didn't want to deal with the pain. I don't want that to happen to any other friends I have. Because God always gives hope and strength. Not alot of people know that, but I pray that my friends will know.
RIP, you're missed.
Friday, December 7, 2012
God takes care of me! :)
Sooooo last week I was in Singapore with mom and sis. On Sunday, our supposing only day that was appointments-free and stress-free was rudely interrupted by my intestine (according to the doctor). During dinner with a stranger whom I recently met through mom, I was admitted to the emergency ward in the hospital for severe sharp pain in the stomach (the pain traveled, from one side of my stomach to another, lol!). I couldn't stop crying, couldn't breathe properly, had to get my mom to hold me while I walk so I won't collapse etc. Turns out, the doctor said I must have consumed something I shouldn't have (odd enough, my mom and sis ate everything I did). It's kinda like food poisoning, but with very different symptoms.
Even weirder, was about 5 minutes after lying on the hospital bed, the pain became so much more less.
Facts I'm so annoyed about:
1. I freaked everyone out, my family, the stranger-now-friend (lets call her Christine), taxi-drivers, mall staff and random people.
2. I only met Christine, and troubled her to get a taxi for the hospital and medicine for me, and pay for my meal, and caused her to be yelled at by some inconsiderate person when she was trying to help me get to the hospital asap.
3. My mom, sis and Christine hardly ate , because my intestine decided to cut dinner short and demanded for attention.
4. The four of us actually bought tickets for a broadway show ($55-85 per person), which we didn't get to watch cz everyone went to the hospital.
5. I scared my close family friends who were in Singapore with us as well. They even took the trouble to visit me, in the short few hours I was in the hospital.
6. Close family friends paid for my hospital bill and medication because they wanted to ($350?).
Think about it. Because of me, none of us got the see the broadway show. I also scared and troubled soooo many people. To top it off, $570-$690 is gone. That is excluding the dinner that was paid for but ignored and painkillers they got for me while on the way to the hospital. $570-$690 isn't even converted to RM yet.
I wasso upset with myself for not being strong enough to withstand the pain. I kept thinking (although I knew it was impossible), if I had the strength to hang it there and deal with the pain well, everything would've been fine. We would have had a great time having dinner and watching the broadway show, and save the cash for something else.
I also kept thinking, if this had happened in Perth, I probably won't have enough $ to pay for the bills and everything. I've always been striving for financially independence. Truth be told, it'shard. I live like a poor cat, making enough $ to survive for the month. Mom insist on giving me money but I try very hard not to use it, cz that's not financial independence.
Then during devotion, I came across this verse:
Hebrews 13:5 'Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." '
Oh my, if God said he would never leave me nor forsake me, why do I have to worry about money? I've been such a fool, failing to see that God only placed me in this position, knowing that I couldn't handle this on my own in Perth, but in Singapore, the finances area were handled by others (like mom, Christine and family friends).
Facts I'm sooo thankful for:
1. I'm okay now. No more pain :) I was so scared, I thought I was either going to pass out or lose my mind or something.
2. God knew that this trip was a hard one for our family. He got family friends to come with us to provide comfort and security. They even insisted to pay for alot of appointments and my hospital bill. Such a blessing.
3. All of the appointments went terrific. Going to each appointment was physically and emotionally wearing me down (if not my family). What lifted our spirits up was the miracle God performed at every appointment (that's another story :) ).
4. God's timing is so perfect, he gave us all these issues and appointments specifically when my mom, sis and I are together as a family. Family really provides alot of comfort.
5. I know can depend on family and family friends when emergency hits so suddenly. :))
Fact I look forward to:
1. More miracles and prayers answered! I have faith, nobody else seem to have faith but I know God will deliver me. And when he does, I will fly like a bird and glorify His name.
Even weirder, was about 5 minutes after lying on the hospital bed, the pain became so much more less.
Facts I'm so annoyed about:
1. I freaked everyone out, my family, the stranger-now-friend (lets call her Christine), taxi-drivers, mall staff and random people.
2. I only met Christine, and troubled her to get a taxi for the hospital and medicine for me, and pay for my meal, and caused her to be yelled at by some inconsiderate person when she was trying to help me get to the hospital asap.
3. My mom, sis and Christine hardly ate , because my intestine decided to cut dinner short and demanded for attention.
4. The four of us actually bought tickets for a broadway show ($55-85 per person), which we didn't get to watch cz everyone went to the hospital.
5. I scared my close family friends who were in Singapore with us as well. They even took the trouble to visit me, in the short few hours I was in the hospital.
6. Close family friends paid for my hospital bill and medication because they wanted to ($350?).
Think about it. Because of me, none of us got the see the broadway show. I also scared and troubled soooo many people. To top it off, $570-$690 is gone. That is excluding the dinner that was paid for but ignored and painkillers they got for me while on the way to the hospital. $570-$690 isn't even converted to RM yet.
I was
I also kept thinking, if this had happened in Perth, I probably won't have enough $ to pay for the bills and everything. I've always been striving for financially independence. Truth be told, it's
Then during devotion, I came across this verse:
Hebrews 13:5 'Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." '
Oh my, if God said he would never leave me nor forsake me, why do I have to worry about money? I've been such a fool, failing to see that God only placed me in this position, knowing that I couldn't handle this on my own in Perth, but in Singapore, the finances area were handled by others (like mom, Christine and family friends).
Facts I'm sooo thankful for:
1. I'm okay now. No more pain :) I was so scared, I thought I was either going to pass out or lose my mind or something.
2. God knew that this trip was a hard one for our family. He got family friends to come with us to provide comfort and security. They even insisted to pay for alot of appointments and my hospital bill. Such a blessing.
3. All of the appointments went terrific. Going to each appointment was physically and emotionally wearing me down (if not my family). What lifted our spirits up was the miracle God performed at every appointment (that's another story :) ).
4. God's timing is so perfect, he gave us all these issues and appointments specifically when my mom, sis and I are together as a family. Family really provides alot of comfort.
5. I know can depend on family and family friends when emergency hits so suddenly. :))
Fact I look forward to:
1. More miracles and prayers answered! I have faith, nobody else seem to have faith but I know God will deliver me. And when he does, I will fly like a bird and glorify His name.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
He answers.
I've been having a (very stressful) burden in my heart telling me to move church. This has been going on since the start of 2010 when I first came to Perth. Because my sister was in Zion Praise Harvest church, I automatically settled into Zion. Within 2 months I knew Zion was not my place. I couldn't explain why, I just knew I wouldn't be staying in Zion and that I had to move.
For 2.5 years I tried looking for a reason to move, because if I move church, people are going to ask questions and start heated arguments with me on why I should just stay in Zion(it has happened, really). When people ask you "Why are you moving church?", you can't just say "I honestly don't know". But after trying to convince myself and the people around me on why I'm moving church, I realized I was fooling myself, and I got myself into alot of judgements and misunderstandings from other people, I felt like the world was against me!
Then I was reminded of Abraham, whom God told to relocate, without telling him where to go and what to do there. Basically, God just told Abraham "Pack your bags and leave because I want you to".
Genesis 12:1-3 Now the Lord said to Abram (who was later given the name 'Abraham'), "Go forth from your country, and from your relatives, and from your father's house, to the land which I will show you; and I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great; and so you shall be a blessing; and I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed".
God didn't tell Abraham where to go, He didn't exactly say why either. God only implied that this was His plan, and Abraham was to follow God's instructions.
I know it's a bit dramatic, but I could relate so much to that. I felt that God was telling me to move church, without telling me which church to go to and why I'm suppose to move.
So after realizing that God really wanted me to move church and wasn't keen on telling me where to go and why he wanted me to move yet, I decided to go around and attend other church services, to see which one God wanted me to be in. I'm not exactly sure how but I ended up with Faith Community Church (FCC). My sister also decided to start attending FCC at the same time I did. So that probably influenced my decision on FCC...
It washard to leave, still is hard. To leave friends I've made across cell groups, ex-housemates from Zion, friends I've made from organized events and people from FuZion. What made it even harder was the fact that I knew there was no dance ministry in FCC. I've always been serving in FuZion at Zion because dance is my passion, and I desire to excel and serve God through this. But FCC doesn't have a dance ministry, so it was like kissing dance goodbye.
While transitioning to move church, another burden I had was to continue in my journey of dance. All of a sudden I was really enthusiastic about dance. I choreographed and dance on my own, imagined FCC dancers dancing on the huge stage we use and came across many unlikely instances reminding me of my journey in dance. It's very easy to put this passion in a box and leave it in a corner till dust bunnies appear (because I wasn't expecting to serve God through dance anymore, and wasn't expecting to be involved in any sort of dance anymore), but I guess God made sure I was constantly reminded to explore this passion more and more.
I had a strong desire to dance but I was at a dead-end, there was no dance ministry in FCC! I prayed about it and told God "You gave me this passion for a reason, and I'm sure it's to serve You with dance. And I'm not sure where me and You are headed but if You gave me this passion, I'll take classes. And I know You'll work out everything else for me, even though I don't know what 'everything else' is."
So I did, I took classes and believed God had a plan for my passion in dance.
Guess what.
In the 3rd dance class I took (for House, which was bizarre cz I didn't even know what House was, but found out I might be better in House than any other dance genres I've done, even though I've been on Hiphop since I started dancing!), I was introduced to a girl from FCC. She told me she was looking for ppl to set up a dance ministry in FCC with and was planning to start this ministry once everyone's exams were done (in about 1-2 months)!
I am SO pleased, that God took me this far and answered my prayers of serving Him through dance. :)I seriously initially thought I wasn't gonna be able to serve Him through dance anymore! I'm still not exactly sure how this dance ministry will work out for me cz I might not be in Perth next semester, but I'm confident God will bring me through.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
For 2.5 years I tried looking for a reason to move, because if I move church, people are going to ask questions and start heated arguments with me on why I should just stay in Zion
Then I was reminded of Abraham, whom God told to relocate, without telling him where to go and what to do there. Basically, God just told Abraham "Pack your bags and leave because I want you to".
Genesis 12:1-3 Now the Lord said to Abram (who was later given the name 'Abraham'), "Go forth from your country, and from your relatives, and from your father's house, to the land which I will show you; and I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great; and so you shall be a blessing; and I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed".
God didn't tell Abraham where to go, He didn't exactly say why either. God only implied that this was His plan, and Abraham was to follow God's instructions.
I know it's a bit dramatic, but I could relate so much to that. I felt that God was telling me to move church, without telling me which church to go to and why I'm suppose to move.
So after realizing that God really wanted me to move church and wasn't keen on telling me where to go and why he wanted me to move yet, I decided to go around and attend other church services, to see which one God wanted me to be in. I'm not exactly sure how but I ended up with Faith Community Church (FCC). My sister also decided to start attending FCC at the same time I did. So that probably influenced my decision on FCC...
It was
While transitioning to move church, another burden I had was to continue in my journey of dance. All of a sudden I was really enthusiastic about dance. I choreographed and dance on my own, imagined FCC dancers dancing on the huge stage we use and came across many unlikely instances reminding me of my journey in dance. It's very easy to put this passion in a box and leave it in a corner till dust bunnies appear (because I wasn't expecting to serve God through dance anymore, and wasn't expecting to be involved in any sort of dance anymore), but I guess God made sure I was constantly reminded to explore this passion more and more.
I had a strong desire to dance but I was at a dead-end, there was no dance ministry in FCC! I prayed about it and told God "You gave me this passion for a reason, and I'm sure it's to serve You with dance. And I'm not sure where me and You are headed but if You gave me this passion, I'll take classes. And I know You'll work out everything else for me, even though I don't know what 'everything else' is."
So I did, I took classes and believed God had a plan for my passion in dance.
Guess what.
In the 3rd dance class I took (for House, which was bizarre cz I didn't even know what House was, but found out I might be better in House than any other dance genres I've done, even though I've been on Hiphop since I started dancing!), I was introduced to a girl from FCC. She told me she was looking for ppl to set up a dance ministry in FCC with and was planning to start this ministry once everyone's exams were done (in about 1-2 months)!
I am SO pleased, that God took me this far and answered my prayers of serving Him through dance. :)
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
The Show Must Go On
One thing I've learnt from performances is that everything seem to go wrong on the day of the performance. Be it wrong music, wrong lighting, insufficient floor space, a change in actions, a change in dance positioning, a sprained ankle, a hurt knee. And usually, they would only occur a minute before the dance, or while the dance is occurring.
One rule in performing a dance is to suck it up, smile and carry on. The purpose of a performance isn't to portray the behind-the-scenes problems dancers face all the time, the purpose of the performance is to portray a story, a thought or an emotion.
I've had heaps of experiences and tales from fellow dancers, that when something goes wrong (even during the dance), overcome it with a confident expression.
Knocked your leg on an amplifier?
Get back up and keep on dancing.
Get back up and keep on dancing.
Slapped another dancer while flinging your hand?
Get back up and keep on dancing.
Get back up and keep on dancing.
Sprained an ankle before the dance?
Suck it up, get back up and keep on dancing.
Suck it up, get back up and keep on dancing.
Because we're on stage, where people stare at every single movement we do. It's much like living in the world as christians, where we're being watched by society. As flawed human beings, we fall all the time. The difference between being a christian and a non-christian is this: God helps us to get back up and keep on dancing.
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| (Retrieved from http://flicmanning.com/refocused-and-recharged/) |
In a dance performance, the show must go on. In life, God's Will must go on. :)
Eurythmy
Eurythmy = a movement of art that unites form, movement and language (Eurythmy Spring Valley, 2011).
I don't exactly 100% understand how God can move hearts through dance, but I witnessed it myself. Dancing to a story every girl can relate to regarding low self-esteem and self-hatred, I saw God touch the hearts of the audience. Even guys! Marvelous, how a simple dance could bring so much meaning to someone.
Personally, I was too caught up in not making mistakes (due to problems with floor management) to fully immerse myself into the song as I danced, but hearing from other dancers (who were not affected by the floor management problems), the tears were real.
Have you ever seen a dance, whereby the dancers shed real tears, and the audience shed real tears as well? The entire dance, started out and ended with tears, from dancers and the audience. Crying wasn't the result of a beautiful dance, no I actually thought there were heaps of mistakes. But crying was more from an inward pain that the dancers and audience felt. It was something that everyone (well for girls anyway) could relate to. All glory to God, for being able to use eurythmy in portraying His Message.
Dance isn't merely about movements, it's about portraying your heart and your soul out through rhythm, non-verbally. Alot of people underestimate the power of non-verbal language. We put so much emphasis into speaking and listening that sometimes, the non-verbal language is forgotten. But in actual fact, I believe that non-verbal language is the most honest form of communication. Even in acting! Who says acting is fake? You immerse yourself into the character, there IS some form of real-ness there.
Everyone can verbally lie perfectly, but no one is able to non-verbally lie perfectly.
I don't exactly 100% understand how God can move hearts through dance, but I witnessed it myself. Dancing to a story every girl can relate to regarding low self-esteem and self-hatred, I saw God touch the hearts of the audience. Even guys! Marvelous, how a simple dance could bring so much meaning to someone.
Personally, I was too caught up in not making mistakes (due to problems with floor management) to fully immerse myself into the song as I danced, but hearing from other dancers (who were not affected by the floor management problems), the tears were real.
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| (Retrieved from http://edinburghfestival.list.co.uk/article/3677-sorry-love/) |
Have you ever seen a dance, whereby the dancers shed real tears, and the audience shed real tears as well? The entire dance, started out and ended with tears, from dancers and the audience. Crying wasn't the result of a beautiful dance, no I actually thought there were heaps of mistakes. But crying was more from an inward pain that the dancers and audience felt. It was something that everyone (well for girls anyway) could relate to. All glory to God, for being able to use eurythmy in portraying His Message.
Dance isn't merely about movements, it's about portraying your heart and your soul out through rhythm, non-verbally. Alot of people underestimate the power of non-verbal language. We put so much emphasis into speaking and listening that sometimes, the non-verbal language is forgotten. But in actual fact, I believe that non-verbal language is the most honest form of communication. Even in acting! Who says acting is fake? You immerse yourself into the character, there IS some form of real-ness there.
Everyone can verbally lie perfectly, but no one is able to non-verbally lie perfectly.
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| (Retrieved from http://ballerinadiary.tumblr.com/post/14673956199/dance-is-pain-dance-is-tears-dance-is-sacrifice) |
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