God takes care of me! :)

Sooooo last week I was in Singapore with mom and sis. On Sunday, our supposing only day that was appointments-free and stress-free was rudely interrupted by my intestine (according to the doctor). During dinner with a stranger whom I recently met through mom, I was admitted to the emergency ward in the hospital for severe sharp pain in the stomach (the pain traveled, from one side of my stomach to another, lol!). I couldn't stop crying, couldn't breathe properly, had to get my mom to hold me while I walk so I won't collapse etc. Turns out, the doctor said I must have consumed something I shouldn't have (odd enough, my mom and sis ate everything I did). It's kinda like food poisoning, but with very different symptoms.

Even weirder, was about 5 minutes after lying on the hospital bed, the pain became so much more less.

Facts I'm so annoyed about:
1. I freaked everyone out, my family, the stranger-now-friend (lets call her Christine), taxi-drivers, mall staff and random people.
2. I only met Christine, and troubled her to get a taxi for the hospital and medicine for me, and pay for my meal, and caused her to be yelled at by some inconsiderate person when she was trying to help me get to the hospital asap.
3. My mom, sis and Christine hardly ate , because my intestine decided to cut dinner short and demanded for attention.
4. The four of us actually bought tickets for a broadway show ($55-85 per person), which we didn't get to watch cz everyone went to the hospital.
5. I scared my close family friends who were in Singapore with us as well. They even took the trouble to visit me, in the short few hours I was in the hospital.
6. Close family friends paid for my hospital bill and medication because they wanted to ($350?).


Think about it. Because of me, none of us got the see the broadway show. I also scared and troubled soooo many people. To top it off, $570-$690 is gone. That is excluding the dinner that was paid for but ignored and painkillers they got for me while on the way to the hospital. $570-$690 isn't even converted to RM yet.

I was so upset with myself for not being strong enough to withstand the pain. I kept thinking (although I knew it was impossible), if I had the strength to hang it there and deal with the pain well, everything would've been fine. We would have had a great time having dinner and watching the broadway show, and save the cash for something else.

I also kept thinking, if this had happened in Perth, I probably won't have enough $ to pay for the bills and everything. I've always been striving for financially independence. Truth be told, it's hard. I live like a poor cat, making enough $ to survive for the month. Mom insist on giving me money but I try very hard not to use it, cz that's not financial independence.

Then during devotion, I came across this verse:
Hebrews 13:5 'Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." '

Oh my, if God said he would never leave me nor forsake me, why do I have to worry about money? I've been such a fool, failing to see that God only placed me in this position, knowing that I couldn't handle this on my own in Perth, but in Singapore, the finances area were handled by others (like mom, Christine and family friends).

Facts I'm sooo thankful for:
1. I'm okay now. No more pain :) I was so scared, I thought I was either going to pass out or lose my mind or something.
2. God knew that this trip was a hard one for our family. He got family friends to come with us to provide comfort and security. They even insisted to pay for alot of appointments and my hospital bill. Such a blessing.
3. All of the appointments went terrific. Going to each appointment was physically and emotionally wearing me down (if not my family). What lifted our spirits up was the miracle God performed at every appointment (that's another story :) ).
4. God's timing is so perfect, he gave us all these issues and appointments specifically when my mom, sis and I are together as a family. Family really provides alot of comfort.
5. I know can depend on family and family friends when emergency hits so suddenly. :))

Fact I look forward to:
1. More miracles and prayers answered! I have faith, nobody else seem to have faith but I know God will deliver me. And when he does, I will fly like a bird and glorify His name.

He answers.

I've been having a (very stressful) burden in my heart telling me to move church. This has been going on since the start of 2010 when I first came to Perth. Because my sister was in Zion Praise Harvest church, I automatically settled into Zion. Within 2 months I knew Zion was not my place. I couldn't explain why, I just knew I wouldn't be staying in Zion and that I had to move.

For 2.5 years I tried looking for a reason to move, because if I move church, people are going to ask questions and start heated arguments with me on why I should just stay in Zion (it has happened, really). When people ask you "Why are you moving church?", you can't just say "I honestly don't know". But after trying to convince myself and the people around me on why I'm moving church, I realized I was fooling myself, and I got myself into alot of judgements and misunderstandings from other people, I felt like the world was against me!

Then I was reminded of Abraham, whom God told to relocate, without telling him where to go and what to do there. Basically, God just told Abraham "Pack your bags and leave because I want you to".
Genesis 12:1-3 Now the Lord said to Abram (who was later given the name 'Abraham'), "Go forth from your country, and from your relatives, and from your father's house, to the land which I will show you; and I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great; and so you shall be a blessing; and I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed".

God didn't tell Abraham where to go, He didn't exactly say why either. God only implied that this was His plan, and Abraham was to follow God's instructions.

I know it's a bit dramatic, but I could relate so much to that. I felt that God was telling me to move church, without telling me which church to go to and why I'm suppose to move.

So after realizing that God really wanted me to move church and wasn't keen on telling me where to go and why he wanted me to move yet, I decided to go around and attend other church services, to see which one God wanted me to be in. I'm not exactly sure how but I ended up with Faith Community Church (FCC). My sister also decided to start attending FCC at the same time I did. So that probably influenced my decision on FCC...

It was hard to leave, still is hard. To leave friends I've made across cell groups, ex-housemates from Zion, friends I've made from organized events and people from FuZion. What made it even harder was the fact that I knew there was no dance ministry in FCC. I've always been serving in FuZion at Zion because dance is my passion, and I desire to excel and serve God through this. But FCC doesn't have a dance ministry, so it was like kissing dance goodbye.

While transitioning to move church, another burden I had was to continue in my journey of dance. All of a sudden I was really enthusiastic about dance. I choreographed and dance on my own, imagined FCC dancers dancing on the huge stage we use and came across many unlikely instances reminding me of my journey in dance. It's very easy to put this passion in a box and leave it in a corner till dust bunnies appear (because I wasn't expecting to serve God through dance anymore, and wasn't expecting to be involved in any sort of dance anymore), but I guess God made sure I was constantly reminded to explore this passion more and more.

I had a strong desire to dance but I was at a dead-end, there was no dance ministry in FCC! I prayed about it and told God "You gave me this passion for a reason, and I'm sure it's to serve You with dance. And I'm not sure where me and You are headed but if You gave me this passion, I'll take classes. And I know You'll work out everything else for me, even though I don't know what 'everything else' is."

So I did, I took classes and believed God had a plan for my passion in dance.

Guess what.

In the 3rd dance class I took (for House, which was bizarre cz I didn't even know what House was, but found out I might be better in House than any other dance genres I've done, even though I've been on Hiphop since I started dancing!), I was introduced to a girl from FCC. She told me she was looking for ppl to set up a dance ministry in FCC with and was planning to start this ministry once everyone's exams were done (in about 1-2 months)!

I am SO pleased, that God took me this far and answered my prayers of serving Him through dance. :) I seriously initially thought I wasn't gonna be able to serve Him through dance anymore! I'm still not exactly sure how this dance ministry will work out for me cz I might not be in Perth next semester, but I'm confident God will bring me through.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

The Show Must Go On

One thing I've learnt from performances is that everything seem to go wrong on the day of the performance.  Be it wrong music, wrong lighting, insufficient floor space, a change in actions, a change in dance positioning, a sprained ankle, a hurt knee. And usually, they would only occur a minute before the dance, or while the dance is occurring.

One rule in performing a dance is to suck it up, smile and carry on. The purpose of a performance isn't to portray the behind-the-scenes problems dancers face all the time, the purpose of the performance is to portray a story, a thought or an emotion. 

I've had heaps of experiences and tales from fellow dancers, that when something goes wrong (even during the dance), overcome it with a confident expression.

Knocked your leg on an amplifier? 
Get back up and keep on dancing.

Slapped another dancer while flinging your hand?
Get back up and keep on dancing.

Sprained an ankle before the dance?
Suck it up, get back up and keep on dancing.

Because we're on stage, where people stare at every single movement we do. It's much like living in the world as christians, where we're being watched by society. As flawed human beings, we fall all the time. The difference between being a christian and a non-christian is this: God helps us to get back up and keep on dancing.

(Retrieved from http://flicmanning.com/refocused-and-recharged/)

In a dance performance, the show must go on. In life, God's Will must go on. :)

Eurythmy

Eurythmy = a movement of art that unites form, movement and language (Eurythmy Spring Valley, 2011).

I don't exactly 100% understand how God can move hearts through dance, but I witnessed it myself. Dancing to a story every girl can relate to regarding low self-esteem and self-hatred, I saw God touch the hearts of the audience. Even guys! Marvelous, how a simple dance could bring so much meaning to someone.

Personally, I was too caught up in not making mistakes (due to problems with floor management) to fully immerse myself into the song as I danced, but hearing from other dancers (who were not affected by the floor management problems), the tears were real.

(Retrieved from http://edinburghfestival.list.co.uk/article/3677-sorry-love/)

Have you ever seen a dance, whereby the dancers shed real tears, and the audience shed real tears as well? The entire dance, started out and ended with tears, from dancers and the audience. Crying wasn't the result of a beautiful dance, no I actually thought there were heaps of mistakes. But crying was more from an inward pain that the dancers and audience felt. It was something that everyone (well for girls anyway) could relate to. All glory to God, for being able to use eurythmy in portraying His Message.

Dance isn't merely about movements, it's about portraying your heart and your soul out through rhythm, non-verbally. Alot of people underestimate the power of non-verbal language. We put so much emphasis into speaking and listening that sometimes, the non-verbal language is forgotten. But in actual fact, I believe that non-verbal language is the most honest form of communication. Even in acting! Who says acting is fake? You immerse yourself into the character, there IS some form of real-ness there.

Everyone can verbally lie perfectly, but no one is able to non-verbally lie perfectly.

(Retrieved from
http://ballerinadiary.tumblr.com/post/14673956199/dance-is-pain-dance-is-tears-dance-is-sacrifice)

A time to Mourn

'Tis confirmed.' :( (regarding my post below).

I'm in mourning. Mourning because I'll never see him again, because he was so young, because all his dreams and hopes have disappeared, because he was in such pain, because he left his three sisters and mother behind to fend for themselves, because I keep trying to imagine how it was like when he fell (how he felt, how painful and scary it was, how his friends felt when they saw him fall, the horror that seized them, etc).

Alot of people have been emphasizing to me that it's stupid to mope like this. Of course I know being upset and demotivated isn't going to give JJ his life back. But I can't go through being totally normal and cheerful when he constantly goes through my mind. And I can't bring myself to fake a jolly smile when I talk about this, knowing that his family's hearts are shattered, and they are left confused and even more lost. I'm not mourning because I feel I should obtain sympathy, I'm mourning because that's what people do when their friends die. Even Jesus wept! (John 11:35). No one understands, but when I read His Words, I felt comforted.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 - a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I've been told to dance even through this sad time (which I totally understand the point), but God says I can mourn. And now's the time to mourn, not to dance. So for now, I'll mourn for his family. And when the mourning time is over, I will dance.

Life is so fragile

Just heard that a friend of mine might have fallen off a cliff in Sydney. :( They're still not sure if it's him so his mom is flying over to Sydney to identify his body.

 (Retrieved from http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/sydney-nsw/body-found-at-base-of-cliff-in-coogee/story-fn7y9brv-1226338147155)

He's only 2 months older than I am! :(

I feel so numb right now, not having the desire to do anything at all. Life is so so precious. I realized that no matter how many deaths I come across, I'll still say this: life is so so precious, and so so fragile. God can decide to take away your life just like that. He decides it all.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 There is an appointed time for everything. And these is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I was reading this verse today (before I heard of this sad news) because I felt abit down just now. Devotion brought me here. How timely is this verse! For a disheartening event that occured just now and now. God truly knew what I needed to hear.

Through this waiting process of his body being identified, I felt the need to pray. And alot of people around me are praying that the body does not belong to him, that he's still out there somewhere, missing but safe. But I realized, what's the point of praying that the body is not his, when God's already done what's done? We can't pray fro God to undo events, but we can pray for the family.

He (my friend) recently lost his dad just about a year ago too. So his family is in great grieve now. I'm grieving too, I'm sure alot of other people are grieving too. But above everything that happens, God's watching and is in control. He knows what He's doing. He appointed the time for us to be alive and die!

You are magnificent, eternally, wonderful, glorious.
Jesus, no one ever will compare, to You, Jesus. (Magnificent by Hillsongs)

Let His name be glorified, because the reason why we are even created was to please Him. <3

Forgiveness

It's never an easy thing when someone you trusted so much broke your heart.

It's been 13 years since my parents divorced. And even after 13 years, I still find myself having so much anger for my dad (don't get me wrong, I still love him, sorta). And I don't know why. I don't know why the littlest things that he does would piss me off, the words he say, the way he judges situations. You'd think that after 20 years of knowing my dad, I would get immune to his ways and stop getting angry at everything. I thought so too.

And throughout last year I lied to myself about how I've finally forgiven him and can accept him the way he is, and that I won't get angry at him anymore. And through occasional emails with my dad, I would try to show him that I love him.

Needless to say, all that love vanished when I went back to KK for the holidays. Suddenly, my perception changed and I realized that all the 'love' that I pretended to have for my dad was fake, because anyone can fake their words on social networking. All the anger inside me welled up again, perhaps even more! I don't recall dreading to see my dad as much as I did during the holidays. :(

I can't pray for him. I've to pray for myself before I can pray for him. I use to always pray for him, now I understand that the fault isn't 100% on him. It's on me. Sure the little things that he do pisses me off and he can always try and avoid those little things, but I'm the one not able to manage my anger. Today in Social and Emotional Development class, my lecturer said that emotions are okay, but it's what you do with the emotions that matters.

Colossians 3:15 - Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.

Everytime I feel angry towards my dad, I'll just shut up, let the world pass me by and become the party pooper. I guess I've still alot to learn about forgiveness.

Jesus forgave me so I'll try really hard to forgive my dad too! Forgiveness is always a learning journey to take.