God is Faithful!

I recently had a dance audition, to which I invested 1.5 weeks of every second of my waking moment trying to prepare for the audition. When I didn't make it, I got into my car and drove and drove and it took me about an hour to get myself together.

I felt so embarrassed, discouraged, I was not good enough, I'm good for nothing, I'm wasting all these efforts being put into dancing as a whole etc. Was starting to question what God had in store for me for my future. And although I told God beforehand that I submit everything to Him and let His will be done, I still cried out in frustration to God, asking Him why He'd let me fail the audition.

God has His own special way of comforting and speaking to His children. He spoke to me that day, and told me He wanted me to rest in Him, to find release in Him. He told me He needed me to get over this, and to get up and try again (and that's very hard to do). He also put some songs into my heart. One of them was "For You Alone" by Don Harris, which sums up points on finding God waiting for me, finding release in Him, and giving Him all the glory. Even more of a point made by God, for wanting me to find rest and release in Him!

The next day at church, we had a guest speaker who basically said "If you don't face the giant in your life (like how David faced Golliath), you will not reach your fullest potential (in David's case, his victory brought fame to him, which eventually led towards David becoming a King)." In my case, I guess being rejected was my giant? God wanted me to get up and face this giant! However being the flawed human I am, I questioned God, saying I don't have enough talent/skills/money/time etc to face this giant. Then, the guest speaker said "Don't tell me you don't have this and that. David didn't have an armor. He used what he had to kill the giant. You need use what you have to kill your giant!" Wow, okay God I will try very hard!

The next day (Monday) in class, my tutor read a storybook entitled "Wings", which was basically about a caterpillar wanting to be able to dance like the snake, all slippery and flexible. Eventually, the caterpillar gave up and instead focused on being himself, and turned into a butterfly. While my tutor was reading it, I was so touched I almost cried (I bet my coursemates were teary too). God just spoke to me through that simple story, to say that I should not compare myself and my talents to others', He's got something greater in store for me!

I'm so blessed that He makes sure I have friends to help me through these few weeks of vulnerability and feeling on the edge (from other issues as well). Like just when I was facing a rather scary day a few weeks back, I just so happened to have a full day rehearsal. So my friends were there to pray for me. And for now, I've met some pretty awesome new friends who helped me pull through this.

I'd sometimes feel as if God is far away, just watching me, not doing anything as I stumble my way across the path of life. But when I'm falling, I know He is there to catch me, to hold me. God is faithful!


A verse He popped into my heart the other day:
Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Seeking Fulfillment

Food for thought:
Everyone seeks to be fulfilled. Where do you find fulfillment from?

From pleasurable activities?

From knowledge?

From work?

From money?

From a significant other?

From family?

From God?

Fan the Flame Yourself.

A lot of us rely on church, church camps, conferences and seminars etc to 'quench' our thirst and hunger for God. This isn't wrong, but this isn't right either.

Honestly, I feel really sceptical when I'm invited to church camps and conferences and seminars that I have to pay a fortune for (ironically, I just came back from a church camp a week ago).
Reasons:
1. I'm always told that it's worth it to attend because God's presence would be there. Well, yes God's presence is important. Thing is, God's presence isn't just going to be there. I know that God's presence is with me everyday (John 3:16, Romans 8:9).
2. Camps, conferences and seminars are usually incredibly expensive. To some people who may not have grasped the idea behind why it's so expensive (accommodation, food, transport purposes), it may seem as though they have to pay money to get closer to God, obtain gifts etc. Check out Acts 8:18-21 regarding paying money for gifts from God.
3. I'm told that there would be awesome speakers there that would deliver the Word of God powerfully. Thing is, all of us are suppose to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, who teaches us and talks to and through us. We should not rely 100% on speakers for the Holy Spirit to speak through. God gave us eyes and ears, we should use them to tune in to the Holy Spirit, and see and hear what He wants us to  see and hear (Matthew 10:20, 11:15, 13:9, Revelation 2:7, 11, 17, 29, 3: 6, 13, 22). (Don't get me wrong, I love hearing different speakers teach because sometimes God uses them to teach me different things.)

Having said that, we, as Christians are instructed to remain in the house of God and have fellowship with one another (Hebrews 10:25). Attending church, church camps, conferences and seminars etc is good for us, because it encourages ourselves and other Christians to run the race and wait on God. However, our relationship with God isn't meant to solely rely on church, church camps, conferences and seminars etc.

One question for you, if for 20 years, you lived in a country that had no church, no church camps, no conferences, no seminars, would you still be on fire for God? How do you stay on fire for God?

Insecurities

Have you ever had people calling you abnormal? Weird? Laugh at you?

I can bet you, every single girl goes some form of insecurities. Be it from the people around them or the media. For me, it was both. While I was struggling with mine, God sent me an image of a flower blooming, perfect in every way. He was telling me that that beautiful flower was me, and I've got so much potential. But I'm keeping myself from blooming, believing that I'm not destined for great things, believing that I'm not worthy, not beautiful.

Well. I'm still learning. Learning every day that God created me the perfect way he wanted me to be in. And being upset over myself is kinda like offending God, saying that His creation is not perfect. He is the Potter, I am the clay. He decides how He wants the clay to look, and will make the clay beautiful. The clay has no right to object and whine and say "hey God, can you do this instead?"

I'm posting this up because I've got friends that are so envious of other girls, it is driving me insane. Part of me want to cry because they don't see themselves as beautiful as how I see them as, as how God sees them as. They'll constantly get upset because they don't look a certain way etc (honestly, this sounds like me too).

I once told my friend I thought she was beautiful. She said to me, "Really? I don't think I am!" Sure, according to the world, she is a freak. Well, to be honest, the world calls me a freak too. And according to the world, everyone is ugly. (Because I'm quite sure that the majority of the people in this world have 'something wrong with them' be it physically or mentally, it just isn't prominent/obvious enough to be checked). The world keeps such a  high standard of what is considered normal and beautiful that it nearly impossible to reach that standard. Everyone who doesn't meet the criteria is considered ugly.

But. God created us. He knitted us in the womb. God put so much detail into creating us, and His work is forever up to perfection. Who are we, to make measurement tools and standards to label how 'normal' or 'beautiful' someone is? God created us the way we are, and that is perfect.

On a tiny side note, I wouldn't want to change how I look like now. Because if I do change the way I look, then that wouldn't be me anymore. That would be a different Sam. Not the one God originally created. Imma stick to what God gave me and dance.

 

 

Home is Where the Heart Aches

So in case you live under a rock and didn't know, the southern parts of the Philippines (Sulu) have been going on and on about how Sabah (the state where I'm from) actually belong to them, not to Malaysia. According to my fantastic research skills of extracting information from here and there and everywhere, this is the history:

A long long time ago, Sabah use to belong to Brunei, along with Manila. Then when Spain took over Manila, Brunei made a deal with Sulu. The deal was that Sulu helps Brunei to take back what was rightfully theirs (Manila), and Brunei will give Sabah to Sulu as a thanks offering. Sulu never did assisted Brunei in the end, but acknowledged that they own Sabah. So at that time, Sabah was caught in between Brunei and Sulu. Then the British came and took over Sabah, then Japan took over Sabah and chased the British away. The British came back, defeated the Japanese and made Sabah, Sarawak, Peninsular Malaysia and Singapore into a nation: Malaysia. Shortly after, Singapore was segregated from Malaysia due to political disagreements. Since 1963 when Sabah became a part of Malaysia, Sulu has been claiming their rights on Sabah.

Recently though (like last week), the Sulu people have taken more drastic measures to claim Sabah as theirs, though shootouts, ambush and hostages in Lahad Datu (a town in Sabah). In a week, they spread to 2 other towns. Blood have been shed, heroes brutally murdered, hostages on both ends, fear in the people's hearts etc.

Although the policemen in Sabah are trying all they can to defend our state, it's getting incredibly tough and scary. Thing is, no one know for sure where the Sulu people are, because they look like one of us, like a Malaysian. Some even have Malaysian IDs. Crap, they could be in every town in Sabah, just waiting for the right moment for another ambush.

All I can think about right now is to ask my family to run. Run away. Go somewhere else until this whole issue is resolved. Because what if the Sulu people are already in Kota Kinabalu (my hometown) and are planning on an ambush? Then my mom asked me "How long can the people run away for? You can go to another country to visit, but for how long? This matter would probably drag on for another hundred years. There really isn't a way to solve this. We can't run away."

My mom's right. There really isn't a way out. We can't run away. We can only pray and believe. He's got the whole world in His hands, so I'm sure He has a plan. One that is to prosper and not to harm us.

Eve and the Fruit of Knowledge, and travelling

I feel as though being in England has really put me out in the battle fields. I'm being tested. I know I am. God knows how I'm trying so hard to stand tall and how it hurts.

Some nights when I actually have time to think, I'll hold on to what I've been taught to as a child. But some nights I'll be questioning myself if I'm just making up unnecessary rules for myself. I really don't know. When I think I've made up my mind, I'll come home the next night thinking otherwise.

I feel like Eve and the Fruit of Knowledge.

Oh Lord, I don't wanna sin against you. Guard my heart please. Because I still don't know what is the right thing to do.

On another note, take a look at one of the crescents at Bath!

 

Here's St Peter's church in St Albans. SO PRETTY RIGHT. 

 

My friends and I are headed to Bath (again, worth going to again though) and Stonehenge this weekend. And maybe Cambridge next week. And maybe Wales the week after. And maybe to Amsterdam or Paris the week after that. I love it here. It's like going on a 1-3 day(s) trip every weekend. :D It's burning a hole in my purse as well though! But thank God I found a job in the Nursery at Uni. :)) That should help with my travelling expenses. I can only start work in a month's time though. D:

I really super duper thank God (and mom and family friend who helped me heaps) that I'm able to come to England to do my student exchange. My uni initially told last minute that I couldn't even come! But hey, when God wants to bless someone, He makes sure it will happen :)))))))

We can't solve our problems alone.

When I found out my friend died, I thought it was a horrible accident that wasn't meant to happen. There were so many people questioning though, they said he killed himself because of great distress. I didn't believe them. I couldn't. I believed that God wanted him to be with Him, that it was just his time to go home.

And I didn't understand why God allowed him to leave when his family is so broken and needing his support so badly. But I tell myself to have faith in God and trust that God knows best, and just prayed for his family.

And then I finally had this talk with my mom. It was brief, because I couldn't talk about it much. I didn't know what to say. I found out that his death wasn't an accident. It was all planned. He planned it. There were evidences leading to what seemed to be a suicidal event.

I couldn't believe it. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe because I see his smile all the time and think "Wow, he must be really happy." His smile is so huge, anyone would've believe he's happy. I didn't know he was hurting. Maybe he wasn't hurting when I saw him last time. I hope that when he smiled, it was because he was genuinely happy, not because he used it to cover up his feelings. I hope for this, for the sake of all of us who considered him as a friend or family, yet failed to see his pain and help be a shoulder to him. Honestly, I don't know if he spoke aloud to anyone about what he was facing. Alot of us had some clue on his hurt, it was publicized. And we sympathized with him and carried on with our lives. That was our mistake. I wonder if he had best friends to lean on.

Alot of times, we think our situation is so big, that it's greater than our God. That's wrong. Nothing is greater than our God. Even in the worst, most unimaginable situations, God's still greater. My friend failed to realized that. He thought death was the better option. And so he took it into his own hands. He took his problems into his own hands. That's wrong. Only God can solve our problems. We can't solve our problems without God.
This must be the first Christmas we'll have without him in a long time. That'll be hard, especially for his sisters and mom.

I'll try to be a shoulder to lean on, to the people around me. I know he took his life because he couldn't see any way out and didn't want to deal with the pain. I don't want that to happen to any other friends I have. Because God always gives hope and strength. Not alot of people know that, but I pray that my friends will know.

RIP, you're missed.